The Thing about Grandparents

My Grandma Gerri died tonight. My kids' “Grandma Beads.” The elderly woman who my mother fought with and loved the same way that I fight with and love her. The woman whose ever-painted-hard-as-nails-finger nailed- scaly-garden-worn hands held mine and shook mine with such tenderness and confidence over the years, has passed from our lives. She passed on peacefully from a long life of circumstances that at times seemed to want nothing more than to steal that peace.

I am sure, in the coming days and months I will miss her. But tonight I do not. Tonight I have this strange feeling that she, and all of my grandparents, are with me in a way that I have not previously acknowledged.

I watch the way my husband and I “clean out the garage” - keeping every last thing that might one day be useful – just the way our grandmothers would want us to. I think of my cousins and my kids this week, busy-lived lives: buying cars, playing xylophones, having turtle races, hiving bees, taking finals, caring for children and gardens, and balancing their check books ever so meticulously – just the way our grandparents would want it - in a million littles ways we never see.

All the while, both my grandmothers undergo the quite end-of-life struggles that I will not understand until they become my own. Grandparents go before us. And the idea seems too obvious to state. And yet somehow, I fail to acknowledge that they lead the way, and choose the path we follow, long before we know the path exists. The education, the work ethic, the faith and family – so engrained within us, that even our departures from these ways mark us deeply. They form us. Those things they overcome become standards of our own abilities and strengths. The narrative of their life, sets itself as a marker of the possible in our own.

And what we give in return is so small. Moments of joy and pride, hugs and kisses, and acknowledgment of the sacrifice to bring our family to where it is today. Maybe – on a good day. Often, even these small tokens fall neglected. Today I watch as my children's grandparents form them: giving, giving, pouring into them - time and resources – but so much more – an example of a life LIVED. My children are blessed with 4 incredible grandparents. They are receiving this legacy and this gift from those that went before them – varied as the stories may be, the gift is the same. Their stories can never be taken away. They go before us and seep within us. Telling us that THIS is LIFE.

I do not miss Grandma yet tonight, because I see her life all around me

Within me. Within our family.

Thank you Jesus for my Grandma Gerri and all of the wisdom I gained from her life... let me carry her well.

Amen.

“Everything Good"

Saad Alnigather left us this week (not his real name by the way – they just gave that to him when he entered the country.) His real last name sounds like it is one syllable. I guess they were just trying to make things difficult for him. Like he needed more difficulty. His father died when he was 1 1/2 and he was raised by his mother and two sisters in Saudi Arabia. Think about that for a minute.

He DROVE cross country with his mother when he was 12 - because he was the man. He was NEVER disciplined because he was the son. He has the same liver problem that his father had – leaving him in great need of sleep, low in weight, and in sporadic fits of pain, sometimes sending him to the hospital for months on end. He is a small, shy, sleepy Muslim trying to learn English in Hays, Kansas. The least they could have done is give him the last name Smith. He thought so too – so he changed his name to “Happy Tippy” half way through his stay here. I will always just remember him as Happy Saad.

But I dare say, we will never understand him. The filial piety, the indirect communication that is nothing short of big fat lies, the respect, the communalism, the faith that borders on fatalism, the demand for holiness, the knowledge that holiness is not within us.

We had a conversation once, when his English was still something to reckon with, about the afterlife and how one secures a home with God. In short, he communicated the “Saad Standard” - he was pretty sure that anyone as good as or better then him was in. He also had a “Saad standard” in which a healthy diet required no vegetables and at least 4 snickers, coffees and cokes a day – as well as an after dinner pizza. He had his own time standards, cleanliness standards, money standards, communication standards, school standards, and sleep standards (at least 10 hrs. a day – and he did prefer them to be during the DAY.)

Happy Tippy – inhabited his own world but loved us in ours. Of the students he was the most likely to offer a hand in the kitchen – although he couldn't cut a potato to save his life. He was the most likely to offer me a candy and a tea and sit down for a long chat about our lives and feelings. He asked how I was doing in more than a passing sense, and when I asked him – no matter the situation his answer was, “everything good.”

At first I thought this was a way to avoid all confrontation and be overly polite. Then I found it annoying because he wouldn't vote in family discussion. Then I just found it utterly unhelpful but at least reliable in that I knew he really DIDN'T care about anything.

Three weeks ago, during one of our pre-dinner conversations he said to me, “Amanda, You know why everything good?”

“No Saad, why – please explain it?”

“Because my father die, my mother very sad, very hard. I in hospital month, month, month, very sick, very bad time. Now – the sun shine, I have friends, my mom happy I study, this better than that. This good. It doesn't matter.”

And I thought about it a lot. I thought about him hearing a tone of, “everything not quite good enough” in my voice – on perfectly good days. A tone of “maybe everything won't turn out ok.” And he had a confidence it would. I guess a faith. A faith so strong it easily falls into fatalism - like on the days he sleeps his classes away, and wakes to say “everything good.”

And I learned from him that the tight rope walk between faith and fatalism is a hard one to balance. But most days I am nowhere near the rope. I couldn't find fatalism in my soul if I wanted, so why am I so afraid to feel the faith that is in my head?

I believe in a sovereign God who works all things together for our good and His glory – that one day this world will be righted. I believe that He is using people to bring His kingdom to bear on this planet right now. I believe His hand is powerful and that it is not too short. That it reaches Saudi Arabia and that He wraps Saad in love...

Saad I do believe everything good.... I want to be an instrument of good and I want you to be an instrument of good too. Go Saad – know the God of goodness, and be everything good in your world.

Spring

So we went to Santa Fe over spring break - 12 of us - and it was the first time in 2 years this big old house had been empty. Literally. I think I could hear her sigh relief as we left the state.
And when we came back, through the snow storms of Colorado - it was spring in Kansas. Trees and flowers in full bloom, asparagus and peas clear through the rain drenched soil - a yard that needed mowed last week and a pond to de-scum. Friends ready to run and picnic at the park, foods ready to grill, a world record amount of marshmallows to roast, chickens to chase and every store calling my name with a perennial, "PLANT ME!"
I'm ready... I guess. I love spring and all it brings... even the changes - the dandelions and the Chinese stranger who offered to sauté some up for us (actually tasty). The soccer to cram into the already tight schedule the shorter nights and longer days - when homework just doesn't seem a priority when we are learning to ride a bike. And even the count down until the end of the school year.
We are gearing up for Easter and the Spring ice cream social - and today the ad came out in the campus flier that we are offering home stays. 4 calls. They all sound so friendly, and I should say, "We would love to have you stay with us, but you will have to pardon the crying over the loss of those you will be replacing."
Saad is leaving tomorrow and we are not sure what to say even.
So instead we take too many pictures and make jokes.
I say, we are offering a discount for any student who will pick and cook their own dandelion breakfast each morning.
Kills two bird with one stone. Always so many birds to kill - so much to get done... and so much to do well.
Too bad I am not in the mood to kill birds... I just want to hear them sing.
This spring I will listen.

Also, I have been told my captions suck - so here is my attempt at improved description.

We went to Bandelier National Monument and saw cliff dwellings from the Puebloan people of long ago. We joked about how we might be at the oldest cultural sight in our country... and yet it was still a millennia younger than the sights of our students' homes. The U.S. is perhaps historically impoverished.

We got into the modern art and music of Santa Fe. Well... a little...

Saad: The guy who is leaving us tomorrow. :(

Oh - these are the kids before the "World's largest Marshmallow Roast" in Marion, Ks on Saturday. Poor Lucy and Kinzie weren't even old enough to roast a mallow!!

Back in Santa Fe. Salah (Saad's Cousin and the only student staying with us through next year!) I think he would make a lovely cowboy. :)

This is Allen, Seonjin's boyfriend. He's nice. He has a good camera. We have adopted him as part of our family. And he is holding "baby monkey" (As Lucy was known on the trip.)

Like I said, "we got into the art of Santa Fe." :)

Kingson won the weirdest face award - I will cherish this photo FOREVER.

Oh here is is trapped in a freak snow storm in Raton NM - where we ate the worst Mexican food EVER. The best was in Dodge City, Ks.

Saad, Salah, Tony, Marrina, Jessie, Seonjin - behind them are some petra-glyphs ... and I can read the writing on the wall and I am pretty sure it says, "You will miss them when they are gone!"

Here the girls and I are at the top of the Tent Rocks - we were some amazingly unprepared but persistent hikers.
And they were climbers...

Oh - and back at the World's largest Marshmallow roast in my mom's home town--- I ran into about 20 relatives... here are my Uncle Rocky and Aunt Shirley Joe... off to the fire...aren't they adorable?

And here is a marshmallow eater if I ever saw one (oh and that little shadowy effect? not on purpose - my camera is just broken) Good thing spring break is over - I am tired out just by talking about it... and my camera is obviously done too.

The boy is 7 today.

My how times have changed, my how he has changed me – but I yet have much to learn. Many fantasies to dismiss and replace with the reality of being an imperfect parent who couldn't love their child more.
I didn't even think to blog for his birthday... actually, I sat down to write about the fact that 5 of our 6 students will be gone in 8 weeks and Jarod will have started his own business. I was thinking of the future, of the “what next?” Of next month, next week – the spring break trip to Santa Fe, and the Special Olympics tournament of tomorrow. I was thinking of the yesterday – the knee surgery of my mother, the party for Jude's class, and the design projects that sucked my winter. And then – I thought of today. Oh – if I would learn to live in the present – to love the present – wrapped in mundane intensity.
The present of fiber pop tarts that we discovered on a HUGE sale – laughed over and love.
The present of midnight shuffles to the bathroom – both of us desperate to keep sheets dry.
The present of loosing the camera more days of the month than not - and finding it with half-headed photos all through.
The present of the screaming of the “sponge bob square pants” theme songs from the too-long bath.
The present of “skill sets” I am not sure I am proud of.
The present of quite and quick prayers of sincerity.
The present of long conversations about “sexy” and “evolution” - even if they are to stave off bed time.
The present of i-pod obsessions, matched only by a desire to be read to.
The present of being clad in ONLY sweatpants for months on end. We must have 7 pair.
The present of stating his sister's “awkwardness” - with such pride in her individuality.
The present of him learning to ride his bike and tie his shoes and loose a tooth – all in HIS time.
The present of loving Asli's rice, the night time carrot, and only a few other foods without sugar.
The present of sincere gratitude for the clothesline on which to hang his art work.
The present of gum ball math, AR, and “red strips” - that are the first grade class he shares with us.
The present of a house filled with little feet that I can feel growing even as they run the loop past my office door.


The present of him – right now. My children give me such wonderful gifts each day... I think I can spring for that 3 pack of A-shirts he requested.



My men - after an early morning of hauling wood - we got some donuts before school. I'm pretty sure he went to school with that chocolate on his face.

Because I should blog

That's all there is to this – just sitting down because I haven't in a month.

Jude read the Bible for the first time Sunday, Psalm 119:9-16, all by himself and he understood what he read. It was beautiful – I almost cried – and Lucy has been walking around for 2 days now pretending she can read too. Actually Jude said he figured out he could read and understand it on time during a “REALLY LONG” Catholic Mass.

That's the news on the kids. They are beautiful, healthy and hilarious. Lucy still can't say her “s's” but she is getting closer every day. She still misses Asli, but has been a real trooper, serving me tea and plastic eggplants for months on end while I have been catching up on computer projects. Jude is doing so well in school – he hates it – but in an “every kid” kind of way. And besides he explained the reason for leap years... so he's contributing to society already.

I finished a video for our friend's the Lowery's as they head off into the wild world of raising financial support to go on the mission field in Thailand. If God tells you to – you should support them – they are really wonderful people. But deep down I think I am hoping that people only support them if He speaks to them in an audible “SUPPORT THE LOWERY'S” voice... because honestly our family is not thrilled with their leaving.
I am still working on that ridiculous brochure of Western Kansas but it is turning out really sweet I think, and I am almost (cross-my-fingers) done. I've begun working on a update of Bethesda's brochure, but have gotten a bit distracted with Santa Fe trip planning for our family of 12 over spring break.
I just came back from the most amazing weekend with Andrea in Dallas where we spent three days giggling like school girls and crying and eating – and commiserating our mommy-hood shortcomings. It was beautiful. REALLY – beautiful. Thank you.
So, I have been spending all this time on the computer and prepping for trips, and spring is coming early, biting at my heals and I would just honestly rather haul compost into my new raised beds than spend time journaling my life. But one day I will forget all this, so I should blog. I will forget that our church family just blessed us with beautiful support and that my mom went through the ringer finally trying to knee surgery. I will forget the painful, yet exciting transition months as old students prepare to leave and new students begin to look at the home. I will forget the Numana conference, Faisal's lovely art show, Turkey's warm visit and that Jarod got a 91% on a test – when he gave himself an ulcer thinking he might not pass. These winter months have passed quickly and this has been a house of learning and growth as always. “Dynamic,” Heather says. Yes. Just no time to contemplate the dynamism and what exactly it might be doing to our souls.

But – just because I know a lot of mom's read my blog – and I don't want to forget, I will share one of my favorite things from the mom conference. I am implementing a lot of these into our family life.

1.When you child asks a stupid question – because there are STUPID questions – instead of going into a lecture just says, “I'll give you two guesses.” For example the daily winter question of, “Why do I have to where a coat?” Should not be followed by a weather report or an assertion of authority but rather, “I'll give you 2 guesses” - and when they say “because it is cold” - you get to tell them how smart they are and how much you love them.
2.In any given repeat situation where you normally lecture your children, for example, being too loud, being mean to someone, not eating their food, asking for candy at 9 a.m. You just ask them, “What am I going to say?” And chances are they can give your lecture for you. It saves so much time, and they can practice their public speaking on a rehearsed speech.
3.“Do overs”. This means that anytime someone does something wrong, instead of getting mad, just ask them if they would like to “do that over.” For example when Jude hits Lucy for taking away a LEGO piece I can say, “Jude, let's do that over.” Practice makes perfect... and the best part is MOMMYS get do over's too – like when I flip out I can say, “Crazy lady is gone now – let's do that over with nice mommy.”
4.Remember – they are not out to get you. No one in your house is conspiring to make it filthy, or to somehow magically all be picky about a different food, or to wear a ridiculous amount of clothing, or get sick one after another for a month on end. It just happens – it isn't against you and your plan.
5.And finally. God is not finished. With them. With me. We get to be a work in process together – growing and changing every day. Love that process... love being a part of other's process and allow them to grow you as well.

Isaiah 55:8-12
The Message
"I don't think the way you think.
The way you work isn't the way I work." God's Decree.

"For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think.


Just as rain and snow descend from the skies and don't go back until they've watered the earth,

Doing their work of making things grow and blossom, producing seed for farmers and food for the hungry,
So will the words that come out of my mouth not come back empty-handed.


They'll do the work I sent them to do, they'll complete the assignment I gave them. "So you'll go out in joy, 
you'll be led into a whole and complete life. The mountains and hills will lead the parade, bursting with song.
All the trees of the forest will join the procession, exuberant with applause.
No more thistles, but giant sequoias, 
no more thornbushes, but stately pines— Monuments to me, to God, living and lasting evidence of God."


Also... Lucy has been getting into photography lately which is good - because I've been getting out of it (I think sub-consciously to shorten the time it takes me to make the stupid year end video!!)
Here's a great photo that she posed with me and chit-chit... one of the few where she got more than 1/2 my head.


She's also been into makeup and riding bikes. She really is a born leader... roping grandparents into being models and students into building bike ramps.




And here's some photos of the amazing girls weekend. Please note that the bedtime gloves are to heal my cracked and bleeding hands (aren't your proud Al?) And yes, we did eat at rain forest cafe without children :)



Have a mentioned that SOMETIMES - I am a fun mom and we eat ice cream, cram way too many kids in our van, or let them throw baseballs at each other? :) shsshhhh.. don't tell the health/safety mommy police.




My poor mother... she has to put up with a lot, and dad and I just aren't the support she needs during rough times. But here's what I am thinking... if I can't figure out how to be a nice daughter, God at least put all of these international students in her life - through my life - so they can all tell her how wonderful, beautiful, and amazing she is.

They are right - she is.. and I hope she has a wonderful birthday tomorrow and an even better knee surgery next week :)

Moving forward by looking back

I have not been a big fan of what the Lord has done so far in 2012.
That is an understatement.
A BIG one.

Since returning to "normal life" after the sudden death of my 25 year old cousin... I have felt a bit numb - moving through the actions of a day because I have to. Because 'the list' gets longer if I don't. And all the while I feel numb, part of me feels ever more sensitive. Like when your arm is asleep - you can't feel it - but even the slightest odd touch sends sensation through your whole body. I feel soul asleep... remembering nothing from a day except a strange scene from an airport where a Nun, an Imam and Rabbi were carrying on a cheerful conversation - I wanted to sit and listen all day. Or when Jarod asks me what I did all day, I can recall nothing but sitting fireside painting my daughters nails and listening to her ramble and giggle and smelling the nail polish mix with smoke... it seems to hold the only importance in 16 hours. But I do the list, anyway.

One of the things on 'the list' was finishing our yearly "highlight" video for 2011. A labor of love that we pour out each year hoping that our children will one day far in the future treasure the moments of our life. (Sadly, I am thinking that in 20 years there will be amazing technology that can make one of these videos in ten minutes by sorting through all of our digital memories - but I am going to ignore that for now and pretend we have to do this for posterity.)
But I found this month that perhaps this project... and the painful slowness of it - is not for posterity. Maybe it is for me - to build faith and gratitude... my two greatest struggles. And in the face of the darkness of this month my faith fades without gratitude. But as I created this video -looked at these faces - again and again.... and AGAIN. I began to see what the Lord had done.
In all honesty there is probably not one person in this video who didn't really annoy and frustrate me at some point throughout this year. To be really honest - there is probably not one day recorded that went down how I planned. There are moments recorded here, that meanwhile I was thinking, "I just want this to be over - I just want to go to bed!!!" There are moments I missed the first time around because I was freaking out about money, about health, about- 'who-was-going-to-blow-who-up -with-a-mortar-first' and other general nonsense. They are recorded here - and they are beautiful. And I guess that is how faith and gratitude are built, looking back and saying, "If I had known then - what I know now - I would have been more grateful in that moment." "I would have breathed in that musty smell of unbathed him more deeply and laughed off the rude comment more quickly. I would have lingered longer in that conversation and I would have let tomorrow take care of itself... because all I have for sure is this moment anyway - and I will miss it when it is gone. I will miss it - in all of it's darkness and mess - because some beauty was born there." Some beauty is born here. Today. Always.

Can I say that about January 2012? Only time will tell, but my mustard seed says 'yes'.

1 Chronicles 16:8-12
Thank God! Call out his Name!
Tell the whole world who he is and what he's done!
Sing to him! Play songs for him!
Broadcast all his wonders!
Revel in his holy Name,
God-seekers, be jubilant!
Study God and his strength,
seek his presence day and night;
REMEMBER all the wonders he performed,
the miracles and judgments that came out of his mouth.

Sitting with my sadness

Dear Nic,
You've been gone a little over 30 hours now. Time is passing like a slow-motion replay of a below the belt kick. Your dad says he is going to live forever because he is being punished. Today felt like forever already. We made the KS to NC drive - the drive you know so well - the yo-yo of your planet earth existence. (If you were here you'd say I could have driven faster and that my hair looks like crap and my pits stink from the drive.)
Ten years ago I had an English teacher who taught us the Jacques Ellul philosophy of: "loving our questions." To sit with our questions in patience and to embrace them ... and then maybe someday we'll live along to the answer. (If you were here you'd make a face at this and call it BS.)
I've got a lot of question tonight and I am not really loving sitting with them. AT ALL. I'm not loving sitting with all the sadness and no answers... and knowing that all these people that you and I love are sitting with the same damn questions and nobody is loving them. And oh, how everybody is trying to be strong - for somebody -maybe for ourselves - maybe to run away from these ugly questions.
Why did you die?
Why now?
Why THIS on your parents - your brother - haven't they had enough?
What about Betsy - what about Wyatt?
Yeah, what about little Wyatt?
And it's been asked - why not Grandma - heck - why not even my Grandma Stafford?
And we've asked how your mom is gonna make it - your dad - will they make it?
What does that even mean: "make it" or "they're doing ok"?
So - God - what's the idea here?

'cause we are not loving these questions. And none of us are satisfied with cliche answers - so we can't rush it along. We just have to sit with them. And then in a few days we will start living with them - for the rest of our lives. I'm thinkin' we're not gonna love that either.

But I'm also thinkin' this. In Sunday school on new Year's day I taught on God's plan for us and how God changes the way we look at a New Year. (And I really think the best part of sharing a truth with others is that you have to remind yourself of the truth first. Remember when you wrote all those letters from prison. I loved to have you quote scriptures and talk about faith and hope - and share that with me miles away... I loved that what you shared with me - you were also reminding yourself.)
So I reminded myself Sunday morning of Psalm 139. That God knows each of us - has a plan for each of us - beyond our understanding - far beyond our ideas - and whether we like it or not there is no getting away from God.
And someone asked, "then why pray?" and "what if you pray for someone to travel safe and then they die in a car wreck?" And the truth I shared was that we pray because we are in relationship and God wants to know the desires of our hearts as much as I want my children to tell me the desires of theirs. And if someone dies in a car accident we know that God's plan was different than ours - but because we have faith that God is good - we have faith that the plan is good too - only beyond our understanding.
So that's a question then:
Is God gonna give me that faith?
That mustard seed that is said to move this mountain of darkness and pain?
I sit with that question tonight. But the good news is - I don't have to be strong for God. God is strong for me.
And there isn't one question that God can't handle. And Psalm 139 says - He knows them anyway... so I'll pour my heart out. Just. like. it. is. And He's good with that. Really good with that.

And I guess, Nic, the last thing I want to say to you is: He was good with your heart too. He was good with your questions. Your struggles. He knew how all this was gonna go down before you were born - little quarter size hole in your heart and all. He knew the road ahead - the MS, the move, the schools, the trouble, the prison, the jobs, the moves, the husband and father role... and all the questions that came with it all. He knew the really freaking rough road filled with mountains of questions and your mustard seed faith. And there was a reason for it all. And there was a reason for the number of your days. 9118 days. Really, like Luke said, "they were all a gift."

But you already know all this now don't you? You're 32 hours ahead of me - but I thought I'd share anyway.

Thank you for sharing the gift of your life with me.

Psalm 139

1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.


Man. I just can't thank you enough for all the good memories. The laughter. The lessons. The NEVER letting me take myself too seriously. EVER. You brought such a beautiful charm into my life - such a balance and reality. You gave me so much. Thank you, I love you.