Psalm
116:15-16
Precious
in the sight
of
the Lord
is
the death of his faithful servants.
Truly
I am your servant, Lord;
I
serve you just as my mother did;
you
have freed me from my chains.
I guess when someone lives to be 97
they naturally become larger than life. Their fingerprints manage to
work their way all over every house and article owned by a family.
Somehow though, I think Grandma Stafford may have started larger than
life. Somehow, I believe had her life been only this last decade,
not all 97 years – she would have changed us each forever. I have
thought much and written much about my Grandmother over the years.
The self-educated woman - “from the cotton patch – to the
pentagon”- the source of our entire family's sustenance (whether
she was feeding us, financing us, advising us or disciplining us).
But this morning... on the morning
where she FINALLY left us to be with Jesus... I want to record what
she has given to me in the past decade. The years after grandpa. The
years since we knew something was wrong because she ate all 5 quarts
of Jarod's fudge in one night.... because - let's face it – if
every piece seems like your first – “Why not?” Alzheimer is a
terrible disease. And though she ate plenty of peanut M&M's and
fudge for her reward of a life well lived... it is not the slow and
horrifying way anyone would choose to go.
So why was she here this last decade?
Moving from house to house. Walking my Aunt through cancer, Paul
back to Kansas, my parents through transitions, me through the first
years of motherhood, living in each of our homes, surviving surgery
after surgery, and then finally living the day-in-day-out at a
nursing home – locked in her own little world? Why did she repeat
story after story to caretaker after caretaker until we thought we
couldn't listen to the story one more time? And then, just like the
seasons of the year pass, with a favorite fruit that you have eaten
to much of... it is gone. But unlike the season of the year... each
story was never to return... and somehow – beyond all fathoming –
I couldn't remember it word for word like I swore I could. And I
would wish for each story back so I could REALLY LISTEN.
But there was only silence. Listening
to the last years of silence from her. The woman who after school
would drill me on what I had learned and lecture me on what I hadn't.
She had no more words for me. But she didn't leave me. Sometimes
when I would be feeding her one side and Lucy on the other - she
would reach for a spoon and try to feed me. Until the end – she
would sometimes try to feed me. These last years she has physically
lived the reality that I don't really want to face, but yet through
her I have come to love and accept.
In life, no matter how we want to
impact the lives of others, in the end – all we can really do is BE
THERE for one another. Often in silence. Watching one another muddle
through our own battles and lessons. James 4 says, “Now listen,
you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city,
spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do
not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a
mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you
ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this
or that.” In the end, after
the example has been set and the advice has been dispensed and the
goal has been established, we just get carried along by the quick
vapor of life together saying... “as the Lord wills”. Or in my
language, “I didn't see that one coming.” So – grandma and I
were just there for one another. In the end, neither of us really
having anything to offer the other – at all. Both of us learning
that THAT was truly ok. It was the final lesson she had to teach
me... and I hope I really listened.
Grandma...
I am sorry it took me so long to listen in the silence. I'm sorry it
became the joke among us all that you would “Never die.” But the
truth is … you will NEVER die. For you will always BE with Him in
glory. Thank you for learning to BE, here with me, on earth. I will
TRULY, TRULY miss you.
Until
we meet again...
P.S. Grandma... I am not going to spend much time this week on funeral plans... I am going to work on getting all the money to the kids in Honduras for their schooling. I know you are good with that. Thanks for changing ALL our lives.
