Moving forward by looking back

I have not been a big fan of what the Lord has done so far in 2012.
That is an understatement.
A BIG one.

Since returning to "normal life" after the sudden death of my 25 year old cousin... I have felt a bit numb - moving through the actions of a day because I have to. Because 'the list' gets longer if I don't. And all the while I feel numb, part of me feels ever more sensitive. Like when your arm is asleep - you can't feel it - but even the slightest odd touch sends sensation through your whole body. I feel soul asleep... remembering nothing from a day except a strange scene from an airport where a Nun, an Imam and Rabbi were carrying on a cheerful conversation - I wanted to sit and listen all day. Or when Jarod asks me what I did all day, I can recall nothing but sitting fireside painting my daughters nails and listening to her ramble and giggle and smelling the nail polish mix with smoke... it seems to hold the only importance in 16 hours. But I do the list, anyway.

One of the things on 'the list' was finishing our yearly "highlight" video for 2011. A labor of love that we pour out each year hoping that our children will one day far in the future treasure the moments of our life. (Sadly, I am thinking that in 20 years there will be amazing technology that can make one of these videos in ten minutes by sorting through all of our digital memories - but I am going to ignore that for now and pretend we have to do this for posterity.)
But I found this month that perhaps this project... and the painful slowness of it - is not for posterity. Maybe it is for me - to build faith and gratitude... my two greatest struggles. And in the face of the darkness of this month my faith fades without gratitude. But as I created this video -looked at these faces - again and again.... and AGAIN. I began to see what the Lord had done.
In all honesty there is probably not one person in this video who didn't really annoy and frustrate me at some point throughout this year. To be really honest - there is probably not one day recorded that went down how I planned. There are moments recorded here, that meanwhile I was thinking, "I just want this to be over - I just want to go to bed!!!" There are moments I missed the first time around because I was freaking out about money, about health, about- 'who-was-going-to-blow-who-up -with-a-mortar-first' and other general nonsense. They are recorded here - and they are beautiful. And I guess that is how faith and gratitude are built, looking back and saying, "If I had known then - what I know now - I would have been more grateful in that moment." "I would have breathed in that musty smell of unbathed him more deeply and laughed off the rude comment more quickly. I would have lingered longer in that conversation and I would have let tomorrow take care of itself... because all I have for sure is this moment anyway - and I will miss it when it is gone. I will miss it - in all of it's darkness and mess - because some beauty was born there." Some beauty is born here. Today. Always.

Can I say that about January 2012? Only time will tell, but my mustard seed says 'yes'.

1 Chronicles 16:8-12
Thank God! Call out his Name!
Tell the whole world who he is and what he's done!
Sing to him! Play songs for him!
Broadcast all his wonders!
Revel in his holy Name,
God-seekers, be jubilant!
Study God and his strength,
seek his presence day and night;
REMEMBER all the wonders he performed,
the miracles and judgments that came out of his mouth.