Sitting with my sadness

Dear Nic,
You've been gone a little over 30 hours now. Time is passing like a slow-motion replay of a below the belt kick. Your dad says he is going to live forever because he is being punished. Today felt like forever already. We made the KS to NC drive - the drive you know so well - the yo-yo of your planet earth existence. (If you were here you'd say I could have driven faster and that my hair looks like crap and my pits stink from the drive.)
Ten years ago I had an English teacher who taught us the Jacques Ellul philosophy of: "loving our questions." To sit with our questions in patience and to embrace them ... and then maybe someday we'll live along to the answer. (If you were here you'd make a face at this and call it BS.)
I've got a lot of question tonight and I am not really loving sitting with them. AT ALL. I'm not loving sitting with all the sadness and no answers... and knowing that all these people that you and I love are sitting with the same damn questions and nobody is loving them. And oh, how everybody is trying to be strong - for somebody -maybe for ourselves - maybe to run away from these ugly questions.
Why did you die?
Why now?
Why THIS on your parents - your brother - haven't they had enough?
What about Betsy - what about Wyatt?
Yeah, what about little Wyatt?
And it's been asked - why not Grandma - heck - why not even my Grandma Stafford?
And we've asked how your mom is gonna make it - your dad - will they make it?
What does that even mean: "make it" or "they're doing ok"?
So - God - what's the idea here?

'cause we are not loving these questions. And none of us are satisfied with cliche answers - so we can't rush it along. We just have to sit with them. And then in a few days we will start living with them - for the rest of our lives. I'm thinkin' we're not gonna love that either.

But I'm also thinkin' this. In Sunday school on new Year's day I taught on God's plan for us and how God changes the way we look at a New Year. (And I really think the best part of sharing a truth with others is that you have to remind yourself of the truth first. Remember when you wrote all those letters from prison. I loved to have you quote scriptures and talk about faith and hope - and share that with me miles away... I loved that what you shared with me - you were also reminding yourself.)
So I reminded myself Sunday morning of Psalm 139. That God knows each of us - has a plan for each of us - beyond our understanding - far beyond our ideas - and whether we like it or not there is no getting away from God.
And someone asked, "then why pray?" and "what if you pray for someone to travel safe and then they die in a car wreck?" And the truth I shared was that we pray because we are in relationship and God wants to know the desires of our hearts as much as I want my children to tell me the desires of theirs. And if someone dies in a car accident we know that God's plan was different than ours - but because we have faith that God is good - we have faith that the plan is good too - only beyond our understanding.
So that's a question then:
Is God gonna give me that faith?
That mustard seed that is said to move this mountain of darkness and pain?
I sit with that question tonight. But the good news is - I don't have to be strong for God. God is strong for me.
And there isn't one question that God can't handle. And Psalm 139 says - He knows them anyway... so I'll pour my heart out. Just. like. it. is. And He's good with that. Really good with that.

And I guess, Nic, the last thing I want to say to you is: He was good with your heart too. He was good with your questions. Your struggles. He knew how all this was gonna go down before you were born - little quarter size hole in your heart and all. He knew the road ahead - the MS, the move, the schools, the trouble, the prison, the jobs, the moves, the husband and father role... and all the questions that came with it all. He knew the really freaking rough road filled with mountains of questions and your mustard seed faith. And there was a reason for it all. And there was a reason for the number of your days. 9118 days. Really, like Luke said, "they were all a gift."

But you already know all this now don't you? You're 32 hours ahead of me - but I thought I'd share anyway.

Thank you for sharing the gift of your life with me.

Psalm 139

1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.


Man. I just can't thank you enough for all the good memories. The laughter. The lessons. The NEVER letting me take myself too seriously. EVER. You brought such a beautiful charm into my life - such a balance and reality. You gave me so much. Thank you, I love you.