Moving forward by looking back

I have not been a big fan of what the Lord has done so far in 2012.
That is an understatement.
A BIG one.

Since returning to "normal life" after the sudden death of my 25 year old cousin... I have felt a bit numb - moving through the actions of a day because I have to. Because 'the list' gets longer if I don't. And all the while I feel numb, part of me feels ever more sensitive. Like when your arm is asleep - you can't feel it - but even the slightest odd touch sends sensation through your whole body. I feel soul asleep... remembering nothing from a day except a strange scene from an airport where a Nun, an Imam and Rabbi were carrying on a cheerful conversation - I wanted to sit and listen all day. Or when Jarod asks me what I did all day, I can recall nothing but sitting fireside painting my daughters nails and listening to her ramble and giggle and smelling the nail polish mix with smoke... it seems to hold the only importance in 16 hours. But I do the list, anyway.

One of the things on 'the list' was finishing our yearly "highlight" video for 2011. A labor of love that we pour out each year hoping that our children will one day far in the future treasure the moments of our life. (Sadly, I am thinking that in 20 years there will be amazing technology that can make one of these videos in ten minutes by sorting through all of our digital memories - but I am going to ignore that for now and pretend we have to do this for posterity.)
But I found this month that perhaps this project... and the painful slowness of it - is not for posterity. Maybe it is for me - to build faith and gratitude... my two greatest struggles. And in the face of the darkness of this month my faith fades without gratitude. But as I created this video -looked at these faces - again and again.... and AGAIN. I began to see what the Lord had done.
In all honesty there is probably not one person in this video who didn't really annoy and frustrate me at some point throughout this year. To be really honest - there is probably not one day recorded that went down how I planned. There are moments recorded here, that meanwhile I was thinking, "I just want this to be over - I just want to go to bed!!!" There are moments I missed the first time around because I was freaking out about money, about health, about- 'who-was-going-to-blow-who-up -with-a-mortar-first' and other general nonsense. They are recorded here - and they are beautiful. And I guess that is how faith and gratitude are built, looking back and saying, "If I had known then - what I know now - I would have been more grateful in that moment." "I would have breathed in that musty smell of unbathed him more deeply and laughed off the rude comment more quickly. I would have lingered longer in that conversation and I would have let tomorrow take care of itself... because all I have for sure is this moment anyway - and I will miss it when it is gone. I will miss it - in all of it's darkness and mess - because some beauty was born there." Some beauty is born here. Today. Always.

Can I say that about January 2012? Only time will tell, but my mustard seed says 'yes'.

1 Chronicles 16:8-12
Thank God! Call out his Name!
Tell the whole world who he is and what he's done!
Sing to him! Play songs for him!
Broadcast all his wonders!
Revel in his holy Name,
God-seekers, be jubilant!
Study God and his strength,
seek his presence day and night;
REMEMBER all the wonders he performed,
the miracles and judgments that came out of his mouth.

Sitting with my sadness

Dear Nic,
You've been gone a little over 30 hours now. Time is passing like a slow-motion replay of a below the belt kick. Your dad says he is going to live forever because he is being punished. Today felt like forever already. We made the KS to NC drive - the drive you know so well - the yo-yo of your planet earth existence. (If you were here you'd say I could have driven faster and that my hair looks like crap and my pits stink from the drive.)
Ten years ago I had an English teacher who taught us the Jacques Ellul philosophy of: "loving our questions." To sit with our questions in patience and to embrace them ... and then maybe someday we'll live along to the answer. (If you were here you'd make a face at this and call it BS.)
I've got a lot of question tonight and I am not really loving sitting with them. AT ALL. I'm not loving sitting with all the sadness and no answers... and knowing that all these people that you and I love are sitting with the same damn questions and nobody is loving them. And oh, how everybody is trying to be strong - for somebody -maybe for ourselves - maybe to run away from these ugly questions.
Why did you die?
Why now?
Why THIS on your parents - your brother - haven't they had enough?
What about Betsy - what about Wyatt?
Yeah, what about little Wyatt?
And it's been asked - why not Grandma - heck - why not even my Grandma Stafford?
And we've asked how your mom is gonna make it - your dad - will they make it?
What does that even mean: "make it" or "they're doing ok"?
So - God - what's the idea here?

'cause we are not loving these questions. And none of us are satisfied with cliche answers - so we can't rush it along. We just have to sit with them. And then in a few days we will start living with them - for the rest of our lives. I'm thinkin' we're not gonna love that either.

But I'm also thinkin' this. In Sunday school on new Year's day I taught on God's plan for us and how God changes the way we look at a New Year. (And I really think the best part of sharing a truth with others is that you have to remind yourself of the truth first. Remember when you wrote all those letters from prison. I loved to have you quote scriptures and talk about faith and hope - and share that with me miles away... I loved that what you shared with me - you were also reminding yourself.)
So I reminded myself Sunday morning of Psalm 139. That God knows each of us - has a plan for each of us - beyond our understanding - far beyond our ideas - and whether we like it or not there is no getting away from God.
And someone asked, "then why pray?" and "what if you pray for someone to travel safe and then they die in a car wreck?" And the truth I shared was that we pray because we are in relationship and God wants to know the desires of our hearts as much as I want my children to tell me the desires of theirs. And if someone dies in a car accident we know that God's plan was different than ours - but because we have faith that God is good - we have faith that the plan is good too - only beyond our understanding.
So that's a question then:
Is God gonna give me that faith?
That mustard seed that is said to move this mountain of darkness and pain?
I sit with that question tonight. But the good news is - I don't have to be strong for God. God is strong for me.
And there isn't one question that God can't handle. And Psalm 139 says - He knows them anyway... so I'll pour my heart out. Just. like. it. is. And He's good with that. Really good with that.

And I guess, Nic, the last thing I want to say to you is: He was good with your heart too. He was good with your questions. Your struggles. He knew how all this was gonna go down before you were born - little quarter size hole in your heart and all. He knew the road ahead - the MS, the move, the schools, the trouble, the prison, the jobs, the moves, the husband and father role... and all the questions that came with it all. He knew the really freaking rough road filled with mountains of questions and your mustard seed faith. And there was a reason for it all. And there was a reason for the number of your days. 9118 days. Really, like Luke said, "they were all a gift."

But you already know all this now don't you? You're 32 hours ahead of me - but I thought I'd share anyway.

Thank you for sharing the gift of your life with me.

Psalm 139

1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.


Man. I just can't thank you enough for all the good memories. The laughter. The lessons. The NEVER letting me take myself too seriously. EVER. You brought such a beautiful charm into my life - such a balance and reality. You gave me so much. Thank you, I love you.