How my garden doesn't grow

I am a big fan of gardening... more for the life lessons than the produce even. And I'm a big fan of preaching that, “current actions have long term consequences.” I preach this to my children. To the students. Mostly - to myself. The Biblical principle of “reaping what you sow” - applies to every second of every day. And on my “good days” I like that idea.

On my children's' good days they love the sowing that comes their way. But, since the reality of this principle is usually a long time in the learning, I spend a lot of time as a parent creating quick “reaping” so they get the connections. ( I.e. I don't want them to have to get hit by a truck to understand that if you sow careless behavior you reap early death.) So we fudge a bit and rush the reaping for our children. And honestly, I wish someone was still around to rush my consequences. I still need a little help in getting the long-term big picture. So this year God gave me this daily reminder in my garden.

You see all winter I literally sowed a little bit of laziness into my garden. Every time I had to empty the  ash bucket at night – when it was cold, dark, wet, snowy, windy, etc, etc, I just couldn't quite force myself to wander all the way back to the alley to the ash barrel. And BESIDES I had these empty boxes of raised beds that I was going to be filling with beautiful compost and manure come spring. So – in would go my pot ash. And to my laziness I added stubbornness and pride as my mother, father and husband would repeatedly tell me to “be careful” and “there was a lot of ash in there and that leeched nitrogen, you know.” Yes, I knew... but I was reaping some ignorance too. I swore that SOMEWHERE I had read that up to 20% of compost could be ash. I have no idea where I thought I read it but it SO agreed with my cold tired body that all winter long I just “went with it.” Somewhere deep inside though I knew I was wrong, but I didn't want to be wrong and I thought it “wouldn't be that bad” and surely I could get by with it for one year. But I couldn't. My garden does not grow. AT ALL.  It does not grow on my laziness, pride, stubbornness, ignorance and pot ash.

And at first I was really ticked about that. I was ticked at the garden. I was ticked at Jarod for not moving the ash bucket closer to the house. I was ticked that I hadn't had more help the day I filled the raised beds so I could have dug out a winter's worth of ash. I was kinda ticked that God couldn't make tomatoes LOVE ash... He COULD do that you know.

Then I came up with some bright ideas like testing the soil (even though I knew the problem), 3 different fertilizing techniques, or even transplanting all of my poor struggling plants. (I have this habit of trying to un-do consequences.)

And then... finally, I have begun to grow. Not my garden – but me. Every time I walk out my back door – like 30 time a day – I stare at those sad plants and think – there is no way around it. There are always consequences... maybe today – maybe next year – but what I do today MATTERS. Every second of every day I am preparing the soil of my life for future planting and harvesting. Today is worth the effort if tomorrow is going to be worth anything at all.

My garden this year is worth nothing at all... but God is so good that even it's worthlessness has great value – for as Romans 8:28 says, “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.” That means mistakes and even ash can be overcome... through love.

And as our life changes once again I need to know that though I fail a million times, I never rest in my own ability anyway... I don't have to get it right... because like He said to Paul... Jesus says to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” - And like Paul, I reply, “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

We aren't growing tomatoes around here this year... but we are growing... in grace.... and in KNOWLEDGE.

ASH is BAD for your GARDEN.

Just passing that on... but you may have to experiment for yourself :) 


Oh but there isn't all bad news around here. 

Life is good, in fact my goal for this week is singular: 

To get a current family photo of our “new” family. That's all I am asking of myself this week.

WE grow hair around here... we just get it cut only once a year.

We also grow butterflies... we couldn't believe we didn't kill it - from a caterpillar on the dill to a swallowtail!! 

We also made so excellent memories at my cousin's wedding in Manhattan... so great to see such good people and good families join for such a happy day.

Oh, and this is Lucy after giving up on getting her cousin to dance... they just made faces at each other instead.  Good times... good times.

May comes to an end

We returned from two great trips – a weekend with Jarod's family in Iowa and a great week at Bear Trap Ranch near Colorado Springs. How blessed we are!!

In iowa we had the chance to celebrate the amazing 80 year's of Grandma's Mary's life, get an old car running, do a little fishing, EAT, celebrate two birthdays, an anniversary, and Chrissy heading off to Africa.

At Bear Trap we had the opportunity to hike, rappel, rock climb, eat, play, and learn with about 40 international students from a half a dozen countries.

Although it was a busy and physically exhausting week Jarod and I both agree it is a healthy exhaustion that we can recover from with a few nights of good sleep – and thanks to some beautifully cool weather we are getting GREAT sleep.

There are too many wonderful memories for me to have time to share so I will just share a few photos and then get on my way with a full and fun summer schedule. Please know that we so appreciate all of your prayers as we continue to experience the glory of God and His love for humanity in our daily lives.

Photos in NO particular order:

1. Here we are stranded at Pet's Mart after our breaks went out on our van in Colorado Springs, "What's that Jarod? They say it will be $450 - AWESOME!!"

 2. Our group from Hays.

 3.  Ok - it was SOOO Windy this day at the top of the hike I really thought someone was going to die. Namely - my son.  Kingson was holding on to him while I helped some girls and I thought to myself, "Could I forgive Kingson if he let's go of Jude and something happens?" Later when I told Kingson he said he had been asking himself a different question, "If I had a child would I let them climb the mountian."  He answered "No".  So it is all a matter of perspective.... It was a good view from the top. :)

 4.  Here is our hiker holding on for dear life at the top - Our kids were awesome on this trip

 5.  My "family group" - One Chinese, One Korean, One Japanese - ALL AMAZING!!!

 6. MingDi - is a new friend who was a professional Volleyball player in China... she is maybe oen of the sweetest people I have ever met.

 7.  Except for maybe Lynn... who lives in our house!! Yeah!

 8.  Ok - and this is Iowa - with the Model T - headed to the open house

 9. We also dedicated the gazebo that has been underway for 2 years.

 10.  Back at Bear Trap the other campers called Kingsen "super nanny"... we couldn't ask for a better friend.

 11.  Here is Lucy with a cupcake at grandma Mary's reception... someday I should just do a Lucy's cupcake photo series... she is classic with eating... or should I say licking those things

 12.  Here is Grandma Mary's "suiter" Arnie and Khaled who went to Iowa with us.  I am telling you the conversation that I overheard between these two were UNFORGETTABLE.  Let me just say... world peace may have started at that table.

 13.  The siblings together.... ahhhhhh.....

 14.  The stop at Cabelas on the way home

 15.  And the stop to see the solar eclipse... with all the lenses and screens that Jarod and Merle brought and made... you would have thought those two had discovered the eclipse with all of there enthusiasm. But as Tony says, "it was nice." :) lol

 16.  Beauty. right? right.

 17.  Oh - Jarod and I even learned to square dance at bear trap... along with 40 other people in a very HOT stinky rooms... following which there was no running water. YEAH! Adapt, Improvise and Overcome - our week's moto

 18.  Khaled and his horse

 19.  The warrior men.

89 things

88... no 89 things since I last blogged.

Seriously – this is the short list – in a hodge-podge order.

1. I realized blogging is a better journal – a good spiritual discipline. I should do it.
2. My grandmother's funeral and all the family it brought
   
   
3. Lucy getting shocked by an electric fence
4. An Ice cream social and our yard full of more than a 100 friends.
   
   
5. Surveying for the fence on my Dad's birthday. Wow, I'm a great daughter!
6. The last soccer game
   
7. A cousin, wife and baby staying at our house “on the way” somewhere. I love living “on the way” to everywhere!
8. A beautiful tea with the most beautiful Saudi women and my mom
9. A wonderful dinner with Saudi and Korean girls. I want to live at Wooster place... it is like a little UN.
10. Oh wait – our house is like a little UN too.
11. The first days of 95+ degree weather
12. Putting in the upstairs air conditioner a few days too late (sorry about that ladies!!)
13. A pet snake.
    
14. A few pet turtles.
15. One pet turtle that bit Maysyn.
16. Note to self: Turtles are more scary than snakes.
17. Outdoor classroom in our backyard
    
18. At least 8 dinner parties and 3 birthdays
    
19. Cleaning out the fridge and buying CLEAR tupperwear
20. Cleaning the floors – but honestly... not very well... ever anymore :)
21. Makeovers and dress up (OF COURSE)
    
22. and Legos... of course
23. mowing the lawn... of course
24. A 8 day visit from Marrina's parents.
    
25. Our first house guest who spoke not a word of English. We can do this!
26. A graduation.
    
27. Digging holes for the fence
28. Loving all the people who helped with the fence
29. Field day
    
30. Local history museum day
    
31. Lots of laundry.. and the first time helping someone fill out a law school application while folding my laundry.
32. Realizing that every week my laundry takes enough time to apply for law school. Every week. That is what I do with my life.
33. The dying out of homework for EVERYONE... realizing I spend so much time doing homework :)
34. Concreting for the fence
35. Reading Deuteronomy... very slowly.
36. Doing a lot of thinking about adding one more BIG thing to our lives
37. Jarod and I falling asleep while talking about adding one more big thing to our lives... maybe we shouldn't.
38. Getting everything I plan to plant in the garden in the ground and thinking, “I am so bad at watering.” Such a bad sequence. Why don't I EVER think FIRST??
39. Making of the most ridiculously complicated time capsules – and the anticlimactic giving of a gift to be opened in 2020. Should have thought that one through.
40. Going to Walmart, morning, noon and night... oh Walmart... how I love thee and hate thee... let me count the ways. Mostly I love you because you keep the same hours as I.
41. Packing and moving out of our 3 girls... :(
42. A going away party where we all refused to believe that anyone was going away or that things were actually changing
    
43. Putting up fence panels
44. Dinner at Al's Chickenette
    
45. Shooting guns and an impromptu hot dog roast
46. Overnight guests..,.. who where shooting guns and eating hot dogs... and not speaking english.
47. Good times. Good times.
48. A muffin in bed for mother's day... with a pretty AWESOME book from my son.
49. Paying bills and inputting receipts. I hate that job.
50. Having he money for all those bills and receipts. Kind of a miracle. Thank you God.
51. The drive to Denver
52. The drive back from Denver
53. Putting up fence pillars (yes... we like to tear up our yard and add a third ring to the circus of our life any time possible.)
54. Eating Burger King two meals in a row.
55. Getting Jude's school journal. Entry 1. “my bedtime is 8. I never go to bed at my bed time.”
56. Loving my son's honesty and awareness of how life really works. LOL
57. Jarod going to Walmart, morning, noon and night to get parts for a broken toilet... oh Walmart... how I love thee and hate thee... let me count the ways. Mostly I love you because you keep the same hours as my husband's plumbing business. :)
58. A beautiful and yummy ladies salad supper at mom's house... where she had everything all pretty and matchy-matchy Of course.
59. My first speaking engagement where I wasn't nervous because Jarod taught me his trick, “Dear Jesus if you want to mess up your lesson to these people – it is your lesson, but I'd like it to go well.” I think it went ok... at least I learn some things :)
60. Here's what I tried to say. Jesus makes a good God. Everything else makes for great gifts and very BAD gods. I have lots of other gods because a million little things steal my joy instead of looking to Jesus. So.. when I am loosing my joy I pray, “Dear Jesus, have mercy on me a sinner.” And he does. It is kind of the best, most wonderful thing in the world... so I am kinda a bit more joyful these days, “anyway.”
61. Our pond grew like an AMAZING amount of scum. It's gross. I really don't know what to do about it but to say, “Oh that pond is VERY scummy.”
62. My husband works too much... so he looks at the pond too and says, “Oh that pond is VERY scummy.”
63. I try really hard not to say, “I told you so.” about pond maintenance.
64. Thinking I should go de-scum the pond instead of writing this. opppss
65. Jude's last journal article, “I cannot smell a thing.” opppsss...
66. Thinking it may be time to see a ENT specialist
67. Reading the end of Charlotte's Web to Jude's class and crying.
68. He wasn't embarrassed of me!
69. Thinking, “At my funeral I hope someone can quote the end of Charlotte's web, “It isn't very often in life that you find a good friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.” That is just beautiful.
70. Thinking, “I might be addicted to coffee. That is bad. I don't have money re-whiten my teeth. Oh well.”
71. I may be getting old
72. A new “student” moving in... she is actually a teacher
73. Loving her already
74. Missing the girls already
75. A fully loaded trip to the Community assistance center and the University book store
76. Another full closet for me do to hand-me-downs. I'm gonna be stylin'
77. A phone call from Honduras where I learned that Olga was pregnant and I understood every Spanish word!! I love Olga Spanish.. I love her. I want to go to Honduras this summer SOOOOOOOOOO BAAAAAAAAD.
78. I think I'll make two points out of this because I REALLY want to go!!
79. Baking 120 angel food cupcakes. That fell. Almost all of them.. but I'm thinking if I throw a ton of whip cream on top – You'll never know. And they are gooey... kind like ice cream... and you are eating them thinking, “what is this stuff??” but it's good anyway. I think.
80. Sometimes I tell myself lies because I am very lazy – and it is supposed to be 97 degrees today... and I don't have air conditioning. Ok? Ok.
81. Trying to figure out our lady's summer running schedule. Is there a time while it is still cool and the kids are still in bed and our husbands are still home other than 6:30. No, there is not. But I would like there to be because in case you haven't noticed... the days are getting longer – which means … Jude's summer bed time is 10... and we already know he NEVER goes to bed at his bedtime.
82. My first Ti-Chi lesson
83. Playing phone tag with my friends... for weeks (If I have been playing phone tag with you – maybe I should have called right now instead of writing this... but then your kids would scream or my doorbell would ring or SOMETHING... so I think I'll just keep writing... CALL ME.) :)
84. Preparing for “bear Trap” - our Christian camp for International students in Colorado.
85. Preparing for “Grandma Mary's 80^th B-day party” - our summer trip to Iowa... with 12 of us and two dogs and all those fallen gooey cupcakes. Shhheeessshh.
86. Letting Lucy watch cartoons so I can write this and a letter to the editor about our fence.
87. Thinking I should quite now but this has been fun!
88. Hoping I can upload a video that inspires me :)
    
    
    89.  They changed my blog format... no - they CAN'T do that to me!!
    
    DON'T STOP - DON'T GIVE UP :).....
    

The Thing about Grandparents

My Grandma Gerri died tonight. My kids' “Grandma Beads.” The elderly woman who my mother fought with and loved the same way that I fight with and love her. The woman whose ever-painted-hard-as-nails-finger nailed- scaly-garden-worn hands held mine and shook mine with such tenderness and confidence over the years, has passed from our lives. She passed on peacefully from a long life of circumstances that at times seemed to want nothing more than to steal that peace.

I am sure, in the coming days and months I will miss her. But tonight I do not. Tonight I have this strange feeling that she, and all of my grandparents, are with me in a way that I have not previously acknowledged.

I watch the way my husband and I “clean out the garage” - keeping every last thing that might one day be useful – just the way our grandmothers would want us to. I think of my cousins and my kids this week, busy-lived lives: buying cars, playing xylophones, having turtle races, hiving bees, taking finals, caring for children and gardens, and balancing their check books ever so meticulously – just the way our grandparents would want it - in a million littles ways we never see.

All the while, both my grandmothers undergo the quite end-of-life struggles that I will not understand until they become my own. Grandparents go before us. And the idea seems too obvious to state. And yet somehow, I fail to acknowledge that they lead the way, and choose the path we follow, long before we know the path exists. The education, the work ethic, the faith and family – so engrained within us, that even our departures from these ways mark us deeply. They form us. Those things they overcome become standards of our own abilities and strengths. The narrative of their life, sets itself as a marker of the possible in our own.

And what we give in return is so small. Moments of joy and pride, hugs and kisses, and acknowledgment of the sacrifice to bring our family to where it is today. Maybe – on a good day. Often, even these small tokens fall neglected. Today I watch as my children's grandparents form them: giving, giving, pouring into them - time and resources – but so much more – an example of a life LIVED. My children are blessed with 4 incredible grandparents. They are receiving this legacy and this gift from those that went before them – varied as the stories may be, the gift is the same. Their stories can never be taken away. They go before us and seep within us. Telling us that THIS is LIFE.

I do not miss Grandma yet tonight, because I see her life all around me

Within me. Within our family.

Thank you Jesus for my Grandma Gerri and all of the wisdom I gained from her life... let me carry her well.

Amen.

“Everything Good"

Saad Alnigather left us this week (not his real name by the way – they just gave that to him when he entered the country.) His real last name sounds like it is one syllable. I guess they were just trying to make things difficult for him. Like he needed more difficulty. His father died when he was 1 1/2 and he was raised by his mother and two sisters in Saudi Arabia. Think about that for a minute.

He DROVE cross country with his mother when he was 12 - because he was the man. He was NEVER disciplined because he was the son. He has the same liver problem that his father had – leaving him in great need of sleep, low in weight, and in sporadic fits of pain, sometimes sending him to the hospital for months on end. He is a small, shy, sleepy Muslim trying to learn English in Hays, Kansas. The least they could have done is give him the last name Smith. He thought so too – so he changed his name to “Happy Tippy” half way through his stay here. I will always just remember him as Happy Saad.

But I dare say, we will never understand him. The filial piety, the indirect communication that is nothing short of big fat lies, the respect, the communalism, the faith that borders on fatalism, the demand for holiness, the knowledge that holiness is not within us.

We had a conversation once, when his English was still something to reckon with, about the afterlife and how one secures a home with God. In short, he communicated the “Saad Standard” - he was pretty sure that anyone as good as or better then him was in. He also had a “Saad standard” in which a healthy diet required no vegetables and at least 4 snickers, coffees and cokes a day – as well as an after dinner pizza. He had his own time standards, cleanliness standards, money standards, communication standards, school standards, and sleep standards (at least 10 hrs. a day – and he did prefer them to be during the DAY.)

Happy Tippy – inhabited his own world but loved us in ours. Of the students he was the most likely to offer a hand in the kitchen – although he couldn't cut a potato to save his life. He was the most likely to offer me a candy and a tea and sit down for a long chat about our lives and feelings. He asked how I was doing in more than a passing sense, and when I asked him – no matter the situation his answer was, “everything good.”

At first I thought this was a way to avoid all confrontation and be overly polite. Then I found it annoying because he wouldn't vote in family discussion. Then I just found it utterly unhelpful but at least reliable in that I knew he really DIDN'T care about anything.

Three weeks ago, during one of our pre-dinner conversations he said to me, “Amanda, You know why everything good?”

“No Saad, why – please explain it?”

“Because my father die, my mother very sad, very hard. I in hospital month, month, month, very sick, very bad time. Now – the sun shine, I have friends, my mom happy I study, this better than that. This good. It doesn't matter.”

And I thought about it a lot. I thought about him hearing a tone of, “everything not quite good enough” in my voice – on perfectly good days. A tone of “maybe everything won't turn out ok.” And he had a confidence it would. I guess a faith. A faith so strong it easily falls into fatalism - like on the days he sleeps his classes away, and wakes to say “everything good.”

And I learned from him that the tight rope walk between faith and fatalism is a hard one to balance. But most days I am nowhere near the rope. I couldn't find fatalism in my soul if I wanted, so why am I so afraid to feel the faith that is in my head?

I believe in a sovereign God who works all things together for our good and His glory – that one day this world will be righted. I believe that He is using people to bring His kingdom to bear on this planet right now. I believe His hand is powerful and that it is not too short. That it reaches Saudi Arabia and that He wraps Saad in love...

Saad I do believe everything good.... I want to be an instrument of good and I want you to be an instrument of good too. Go Saad – know the God of goodness, and be everything good in your world.

Spring

So we went to Santa Fe over spring break - 12 of us - and it was the first time in 2 years this big old house had been empty. Literally. I think I could hear her sigh relief as we left the state.
And when we came back, through the snow storms of Colorado - it was spring in Kansas. Trees and flowers in full bloom, asparagus and peas clear through the rain drenched soil - a yard that needed mowed last week and a pond to de-scum. Friends ready to run and picnic at the park, foods ready to grill, a world record amount of marshmallows to roast, chickens to chase and every store calling my name with a perennial, "PLANT ME!"
I'm ready... I guess. I love spring and all it brings... even the changes - the dandelions and the Chinese stranger who offered to sauté some up for us (actually tasty). The soccer to cram into the already tight schedule the shorter nights and longer days - when homework just doesn't seem a priority when we are learning to ride a bike. And even the count down until the end of the school year.
We are gearing up for Easter and the Spring ice cream social - and today the ad came out in the campus flier that we are offering home stays. 4 calls. They all sound so friendly, and I should say, "We would love to have you stay with us, but you will have to pardon the crying over the loss of those you will be replacing."
Saad is leaving tomorrow and we are not sure what to say even.
So instead we take too many pictures and make jokes.
I say, we are offering a discount for any student who will pick and cook their own dandelion breakfast each morning.
Kills two bird with one stone. Always so many birds to kill - so much to get done... and so much to do well.
Too bad I am not in the mood to kill birds... I just want to hear them sing.
This spring I will listen.

Also, I have been told my captions suck - so here is my attempt at improved description.

We went to Bandelier National Monument and saw cliff dwellings from the Puebloan people of long ago. We joked about how we might be at the oldest cultural sight in our country... and yet it was still a millennia younger than the sights of our students' homes. The U.S. is perhaps historically impoverished.

We got into the modern art and music of Santa Fe. Well... a little...

Saad: The guy who is leaving us tomorrow. :(

Oh - these are the kids before the "World's largest Marshmallow Roast" in Marion, Ks on Saturday. Poor Lucy and Kinzie weren't even old enough to roast a mallow!!

Back in Santa Fe. Salah (Saad's Cousin and the only student staying with us through next year!) I think he would make a lovely cowboy. :)

This is Allen, Seonjin's boyfriend. He's nice. He has a good camera. We have adopted him as part of our family. And he is holding "baby monkey" (As Lucy was known on the trip.)

Like I said, "we got into the art of Santa Fe." :)

Kingson won the weirdest face award - I will cherish this photo FOREVER.

Oh here is is trapped in a freak snow storm in Raton NM - where we ate the worst Mexican food EVER. The best was in Dodge City, Ks.

Saad, Salah, Tony, Marrina, Jessie, Seonjin - behind them are some petra-glyphs ... and I can read the writing on the wall and I am pretty sure it says, "You will miss them when they are gone!"

Here the girls and I are at the top of the Tent Rocks - we were some amazingly unprepared but persistent hikers.
And they were climbers...

Oh - and back at the World's largest Marshmallow roast in my mom's home town--- I ran into about 20 relatives... here are my Uncle Rocky and Aunt Shirley Joe... off to the fire...aren't they adorable?

And here is a marshmallow eater if I ever saw one (oh and that little shadowy effect? not on purpose - my camera is just broken) Good thing spring break is over - I am tired out just by talking about it... and my camera is obviously done too.