Non-dramatic

So this all started with my soon-to-be diet. In an effort to shrink my ever growing ability to out-eat both man and beast – I developed a one week “juice fast” that is going to rock my world – well, at least my first week of August. Once I had skeemed and obsessed long enough about whether or not to included raw oats – I asked my friend who is a nutritionist what he thought of the whole plan. He looked at me blankly, “What exactly is the goal?”
“To stop overeating – to shrink my stomach - so I am no longer hungry for 3 helpings.” I replied.
After a few minutes of listening to my thoughts and lifestyle plans, I again asked, “What do you think?” - expecting of course that he would think I was a nutritional genius.
But instead, “Well, I guess you can do that if you want. But what you really need to do – what I would advise is to do is - CHEW.”
“Excuse me?”
“You know, just slow down when you eat, listen to your body and chew about twice as much - you'll eat half.”

SERIOUSLY? CHEW? That was so anti-climatic!!! Especially after my weeks of planning and tabulating – he tells me all I need to do is chew. That's so simple. Where is the drama in that? The re-ordering of my life? The accomplishment? The difficulty of it all? It's too EASY.
Except it is not. I have trying to chew for a week – and it isn't working. I haven't slowed down one bit. Julia, our “rice counter” as her mother dubbed her – still literally finishes dinner 20 minutes after me. I don't exactly know what she is doing at her end of the table but I think it involves chewing. I might need classes.

And then I got to thinking. We are obsessed with drama. We are not fans of normal and easy. We want it over the top. Not simple but drawn out and fascinating. Not effective really – just interesting. like cabbage diets - or south beach - Atkins - or juice or whatever. And that is how we do life. No moderation, no simple, slow and effective. We don't really like chewing.

We have TV shows on building sandcastles and couponing – there is even a show about a guy who runs gas stations. They made it extreme.

Think of love songs, “there ain't no Mountain high enough – there ain't no river wide enough....” And I'm sure there's not – we will do any DRAMATIC thing for love – but once we reach that mountain hight and our beloved starts leaving every cabinet door open or picking their feet while you watch TV - It's all over. Loving like that is too simple. It's chewing. I think I could love Jarod really well if he had a terminal illness – but he is rather annoying and whiny with an ear infection. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

And economically and politically we create these grand extremist plots that tick off half the population – instead of everybody just giving a little. A little. I don't want anyone to OVERHAUL anything – I just want all those big hot shots to cut something - A LITTLE. But where is the drama in that? The accomplishment?

And then of course there is my spiritual life. I'd like a little more drama – a little less “chewing”. I think I might be willing to burn at the stake for Jesus – just as long as he doesn't ask me to give too much before I burn. Like, I'd rather not babysit a whole bunch or share my bathroom with a stranger. I'd rather not cut back on my yelling and pity parties. I'd rather not wake up a few minutes early to pray – or call someone that I know will spend two hours “dumping on me”. Those things are just too simple. Unnoticeable even. Unmentionable. Like saying, “I'm going on a chewing diet.”
“I'm working on being loving this week.” Big whoppty-do.
No one is going to make a TV show about that. No one is even going to write a blog about that. Which is why I have decided to go on the “juice fast” after all – because it requires NO CHEWING AT ALL. And while I'm at it, I think I am going on a media fast too for a week - no computer at all -because I can't just slow down my consumption - that would be too easy.

I'll work on being non-dramatic in September.

On this your third birthday

This morning - with her second breakfast of "baby 'matos"

Your favorite meal is noodles – your greatest disappointment is when someone makes the noodles too “picy.”
You eat and dribble baby “matos” like they are candy … carrying around the produce bowl, from room to room making me beam with nutritional pride and cringe with the thought of the mess.
Your cheeks are too big and saggy, your eyes like the moon -and your hair – like wisps of insanity.
You'll wear nothing but a dress and always show your underwear – which are 9 times out of ten falling down. That is if you are not in a princess costume or tu-tu. These are your preferred states if you can't be NAKED.
Your brother adores you. That's it. Adores you anyway. After a million, “LUUUCCCYYY!!!!” shreeks at the end of any day – he adores you. And, that, my daughter, is grace.
You desire him, to play with him, be with him, pee before he pees, eat what he eats, talk to him, talk at him, read at him, be read to by him, question him, deny him, boss him, and seek affirmation from him.
From all of us, “Right?, Right? Right?” - you say all day long – seeking full approval of your every word and thought. And, “actually” - correcting yourself and others, as you go.
And your “papa,” your “daddy” - is wrapped around your finger – he is hopelessly in love -worthless when it comes to actually disciplining you constructively in teachable moments, because he says, “she's cute – and she cuddles”. But you might be the only person who can get under his skin and make him insane faster than me.
You aren't even on the charts for weight, but considering the Dr. asked if you are getting, “at least 60 minutes of activity a day,” and I don't think you are inactive 6 minutes a day – their scale might be irrelevant for you.
The whole world might be irrelevant to you. At least 4 women from 4 different countries have said, “I admire her – she is so sure of herself.”
You are just three. How do I foster that wonderful confidence while the world assaults you with your faults and differences? And how do I, at the same time teach you the humility, that just maybe, just once in a while, someone else is right, and just maybe, once in a while, “me do it – me self” is not the best way?
I don't know. I don't know how to parent you at all.
When you stick your fingers in your ears instead of crying when your dad loses his temper.
When you put yourself in time out – because frankly you just need a break from me.
When you insist on doing your puzzles face down.
When you eat with your fingers like a Saudi, and still say “agua” like you live in Honduras.
You stole my confidence while in utero. But you have taught me how to pray. How to beg at Jesus feet – for something good for your future. Not come from me. For our future relationship, in spite of me.
I love you Lu.

For the sake of amnesia

I obviously don't make the time to be keep a decent blog – hence the blog I have. But I have it - because I know the dark truth about mommy amnesia. You see, I have friends with babies – friends who are potty training and friends who are fighting weird baby health issues and normal 2 year old behavioral problems. I don't actually remember any of that stuff – I know it was only a couple of years ago – and I think it was hard – but I honestly don't remember.
I also know about ministry amnesia. I know people who are discouraged by tough finances, delayed deadlines, non-responsive people, overly demanding people, dashed expectations, building plans gone awry, and spiritual lives drained to the dregs. Those times are so demanding that as soon as you leave them you develop amnesia. Like you block out all memories that were moments more than you could handle, (sometimes I wonder how my mother-in-law, raising for kids by herself, has any memory at all).
I want to chronicle the “too-much” moments in my life so that I can be gracious to those who are currently living them in theirs. I never want to give the "always-running late mom" a look of, “get it together.” I never want to give the crying pastor's wife the look of, “dry up.” So I blog to help cure my amnesia.
I also know – from too many desperate conversations, that in the midst of difficulty... of the dropping naps or bringing in new people adjustment moments – we forget to see the people. We miss the joy of the moments. So I may miss them while they are happening but I will at least force myself to sit down and chronicle them here. “The documentation,” as Alison puts it, “is so extensive – more than anyone has.” Yes, that is true, but this documentation... may it be a tool to make me humble and gracious and thankful ALWAYS.

Documentation: While typing this - I disciplined at my daughter for jumping on her bed while she was supposed to be napping, gave up on forcing my niece to eat eggs, facebook messaged two Chinese students who have been awaiting my response for over two weeks, and successfully avoided cleaning out those closets and scrubbing my floors – yet again. Also, we buried a turtle this morning and contracted someone to paint our trim, because I am OBVIOUSLY NOT getting that done. But I really should work on the Western Kansas freelance brochure I have been contracted for... to offset the $ to paint the house trim. Yes, let's all have a good laugh – I am going to “advertise” Western Kansas. Hypocrite? Actually – I am happy here- why couldn't someone – ANYONE else be?

Jude got to pitch the first pitch in a local semi-pro baseball game.


Lucy got a free hotdog while her brother pitched - and these photos reminded me so much of a photo on my blog 3 years ago - Jude -after a hot dog - age 3.




Here are some photos from my NJ cousins' trip to KS - it is a good thing I have these two photos because when I downloaded them I was seriously surprised to remember that this little trip had happened just last month.



Here's our pond before it got too scummy... there will be no more pictures of it - I'd rather have amnesia.



Here are the kids with their "homemade R2D2"


This is my only good photo of a 5 days AMAZING visit from the Bernard family. The better photographer is sending my proper documentation of the whole event :).


Colorado:









some Documentation of our 2 day colorado family get-away. Look closely because it may be the last trip we ever take our kids on - they prefer the grandparents who buy more tokens and ice cream and have fewer picnic lunches and required naps.

I like required naps - I also apparently like leftover strawberry birthday cake - I just ate two whole pieces - straight from the pan - dirtying six forks because all I wanted was "one bite" each time. Documented. Note to self: next time just get a plate.

DNDIY

(please note this post may be somewhat warped by the outside temp of 102 – or my personal temp of 100 due to some summer-body-ache-up-all-night-illness)

Last August, when our students still thought our daily life was interesting, Marinna went to the local hardware store with me. It was one of probably four trips for me that week as we were still deep into our basement project. It was her first trip to such a place in her life.
She stared around in bored awe – not understanding one thing she saw – probably how I would look at the tools needed to fix the hubble telescope. Why even bother to ask what something is or what something does if you won't understand the answer?
She calmly stated, “Oh I know – this is for DIY. You Americans really like DIY. We don't.”
“Oh, how I hate misconceptions of internationally broadcasted television,” I thought. “No.” I said, “actually we don't like DIY – it is just so expensive to hire someone that we are forced to do it ourselves.”
“Yes it is cheap to hire labor in China, but a lot of us don't have any extra money. We wouldn't know how. How do you know how?”
I wanted to say.... “See that our basement is STILL leaking? We obviously don't know how either.” But the truth was, Jarod and my dad can do about anything... I don't know how other DIY'ers do it but these guys are amazing. They have taken a 50 gallon leak down to a small trickle with some rain barrels, dirt and some chewing gum – for $500.00 instead of $5,000. But still I said, “We don't know exactly what we are doing but both of our grandfathers did, my dad and uncle do, and Jarod just figures stuff out as we go along. We don't like this – but it allows us to have the kind of home and life we like – full of beauty and people – that's why we DIY.”
But I am a big fat lier.
We finished the house an we started the man cave. Half-way through the man cave we started the yard – the hand trenching of waterlines and electrical lines and building a dry river bed – half-way through that we started the pond and during DIYing the pond we discuss the porch that needs to be done and the fence -and peppered through the last year are of course a million little DIY projects lurking around every corner that need to be done in a 100 year old house – turned dorm.
Then we started the waterfall. And half-way through shoveling out the second truck bed of rock in 100 degree heat, I thought, “we don't need a freaking waterfall!”
I think we are addicted to DIY. I look at our garage that for a year has looked like the hardware store just puked all over it. Our garage looks like a DIY vomit volcano and our children spew the words, “When are we going to finish... XYZ...” like memorized play parts. There are half-used remnants of our projects everywhere and all I can think of is the verse from Proverbs, “As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.” That is me every time I go into my garage. That is Jarod every time I ask him what he is thinking, in a quite moment before we fall asleep or on the way home from church and all he can spew is some technical mumbo-jumbo about the waterfall.
Should I start a DIY'ers anonymous? Is there need for it out there? Should I just move to Suadi Arabia and hire their laborers, as we are told it only costs $17 to have a whole room painted professionally? What is the answer? I don't know – but I was going to hire someone to paint the trim of our house... I really was – but then we learned that we'd have to call a certified lead guy – and they would tape off our house as hazardous and charge us 10 times as much. So I'll be DIYing that... while my children eat the lead paint chips, I'm sure.
But for what it is worth – like the guy smoking a cigarette through his hole in his neck – telling you that smoking isn't cool – I am telling you DO NOT DO IT YOURSELF. AT ALL COSTS - DNDIY!!!!

Harriet Beecher Stowe

She is recorded as stating at one point in her life, "i am but a mere drudge with few ideas beyond babies and housekeeping."

... i keep good company these days - I tell you - with women today and of the past.

awesoming - a contemplation

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Philippians 1:6

I think God comes to me in books sometimes. Sometimes they just come in the mail from a friend or are recommended to me for someone else and I read a few chapters and find out it is actually for me. I need these books – the ones I would never choose on my own that say, “Sit down, shut up and breathe.”

Breathe in all the goodness of grace and of God. All that is not me and all that I can freely enjoy. One would think that the breathing in and finding pleasure in the goodness of life would be innate – something like sneezing that no culture, no matter how corrupt, could steal from God's children. But it's not. And I find myself graceless and this is like a punch in the gut of life. I quench the unmerited favor of God every time I step on the rat wheel of earning and measuring and doing to BE. But God already is – and God has forgiven, and therefore I am. Perhaps that is what it means to be made in the image of God – to be present in this world – and know that “it is good.”

But I am not about the process – I am ALL about the arrival. My friend Lyndsey and I - on my recent visit, half drown in babies and child rearing, ministry and family, talked continually of women we know who are “awesome”. We spoke of older women who read. Women who are generous with their time and resources. Women who remain calm in the face of fiasco. Women who raised six kids, held two jobs, have beautiful teenagers and clean houses. We are sure they potty trained their little ones without one melt down – because they are “awesome”. And we think we are not. We KNOW we are not. And we joked one another and said, “one day we will be awesome – maybe even the next time we see one another - if we give it a decade or so.” But we are confident that our awesome day is coming. But today, we are convinced is NOT it. Today we wallow in our “not awesomeness”.

But then I read a paragraph – a paragraph in a book about being a pickle. It takes time to turn cucumbers into pickles – they have to sit there for weeks “pickling” to perfection. And it would be ridiculous to expect anything else – anything but time and process – to make a pickle. So maybe, Lyndsey, today we are not awesome – but we are “awesoming” - it is a process – and somedays it feels more like drowning. But it isn't. It is being submerged in the narrative of God's love and goodness and grace in spite of ourselves. And perhaps if we'd spend less time trying to escape the “awesoming” process or figure out what we are doing wrong and just enjoy the submergedness of the daily experience – and soak in all the goodness – we'd see it in our own lives like we can see it in the lives of each other. The “pickling” – the “awesoming” - is a beautiful thing – it just may taste a little like vinegar at times. And if nothing else it at least gives me a good chuckle to picture myself as a pickle with a little Amanda face screaming, “help, help, get me out of this jar.”
Oh - and P.S. We are hoping the end result of our process will be a little more complex than that of a pickle so we could be stuck here for a good long while :)
I love you my “awesoming” Lyndsey – thanks for letting me process with you for a few days.

the blur

So, after we unloaded our house of students one month ago and I cried a few tears and said, “uhh" and "ahh,” and “what am I going to do with myself?” I had a nice dose of reality. I miss those guys – a lot – but seriously – 3 months? That's nothing.

This month: we re-filled the house, watered the grass, directed a play, watched our son graduate kindergarten, went to Iowa, watered the grass, put in a pond, traveled through 9 states, attended two weddings, had two sick kids, and low and behold one of the students is already back from Saudi Arabia! I mean, really, what is this world coming to when someone can travel – literally – half way around the world before I can organize ONE closet? I was. I really was going to organize my closets this summer – and paint the trim on my house – but apparently I am having way too much fun for any of that. So much fun I'll just have to show you the blur of the month in photos, pay someone to paint my trim, and still not have time to blog or organize my closets next month.


This is Nancy who lived with us for only 2 weeks. She was a sweety - but poor thing what crazy two weeks with an American family. Can't you tell by my children?


The Awesome cast of "the mirror" - our last play at High Plains Christian school. These guys - couldn't have done better. I have loved this special hang out time with middle schoolers that last few years.


Jude's Kindergarten class with blue frosting teeth. I can't believe that next year these five will all go to different schools. - they have gotten so close. Maybe I'll start a school in my basement just for them... yeah... that's a great idea. I REALLY need to be going to bed now.


Ok so this is Kingsen, Nancy, and Julia (all from china - all living in our house for a while) all attending Jude's kindergarten program. Yeah people, that's the kinda entertainment we provide at 703 Fort. Beat that.


This is the only picture I took during our 3 days in Iowa (Toni took some great ones I guess - just ask my mom - they are on facebook). But we had an awesome time with grandma Mary as usual - and this is Jarod in front of the 1919 Model T his grandfather built. Also i found out that he built a boat when he and Mary had two little girls and baby - so I am thinking Jarod's love for a good time consuming hobby obsession came to him honestly. Also, the motto from Mary that will never leave me is: "save it, anyhow." Actually, yesterday in the mail we received a small plastic tupper-wear that I had left there by accident. I would have never missed it. So I guess her second montra could be "mail it, anyhow." I love that lady. And her grandson. And their quirks.


Lucy's first haircut - we took Maysyn for bravery. Totally unnecessary. She wanted pink highlights and to cut it "by myself" toward the end.


On the way to NC we stopped at the "Creation Museum" and met up with some friends from college. Their son Nathaniel - is the quite studious type and asked his parents when they would be returning. Better them than me since they only live 1 hour away.


The creation museum tuckered them all out.


3 cousins with water guns in the setting sun. 12, 6, and 3... there is something about "cousinness" that breaks down the age barrier. "Well, these adults don't seem to be leaving each other's side so whose here to pass the time?" Generation after generation. Right Nic and Gabe?


This is my Lucy and Jude with the Mcann Lucy and Ellie. Our wonderful friends who were missionaries in Honduras are now pastoring in Charlotte. And just like they graciously housed and fed us there - they did it again - and just like my kids overwhelmed theirs' there - they did it again here. I guess there is something about "sisters in Christ" that require our children to learn to tolerate bizarre friends from across the world too.



Ok - I have a whole blog to write about this photo (I don't know if it will happen) but this is my beautiful, wonderful friend Lindsey Mcann and I... and though my thoughts here run deep - all I can say is - My son is an amazing photographer (even noticing backlighting) but he is vertically challenged and that is a real bummer when photographing our figures and faces. Right Linds?


This is my Aunt Teresa and Uncle Bill on the day of their son's wedding. They are amazing. After 40 years of marriage - and more difficulties than one would think can fit into 40 short years - they are still in love. Actually their marriage is kinda non-stellar right now, but I think a season like that is to be expected now and again. I am still not sure why Uncle Bill brought Aunt Teresa these Krispy Kremes before the perfect storm of preparing her and their grandson for an outdoor wedding where it was 100 degrees with thunderstorm warnings. But he did. She didn't know why he brought them either - but they were yummy. They even put on the bakers hats and had a good laugh. So, that's how I know they are going to be ok. Eventually. Again. Like always.


This is Gabe's wedding - where it didn't rain. it should have - but didn't it - just cooled down real nice - added some intensity to the moment and was absolutely perfect



These are three of my favorite people at the reception. They hate this picture but I think it is absolutely perfect as well.



This is Lucy licking her wedding cupcake frosting like an ice cream cone. She licked it perfectly clean - did not touch the cake - and I laughed so hard I cried.



These are my amazing aunts and uncles, parents, and bride and groom. I love them. They are amazing... so different but amazing.




These are my children, the day after the wedding at a Children's museum Star Wars exhibit. And this is why our children never will want to travel alone with their parents. Because the day after a wedding, with all the comings and goings and yadda, yadda, yadda, who cares about a Star Wars exhibit? Grandparents - thats who - not parents - only grandparents.





Home at last! Our summer students are AMAZING! And totally chipped in to implement the dry river bed I have been dreaming of for months. They put up with such insanity. The day I get home from a 10 day trip and I have a daughter with a 102 fever I decide just the project we need for the evening is moving a literal ton of rock. That's stupid. Thanks for helping the stupid lady students. I was in a mess. Ok - so the students are Kingsen and Julia from China, Alsi from Turkey and Saad and Salah from Saudi Arabia. I love them. I want three more rooms so they can stay in the fall!!



Here is my wonderful husband and his wonderful - almost clear - almost non-scumy pond. This man can work miracles out of gatorade bottles, storage tubs, floor buffing pads, PVC and a pool pump. As long as his wife is gone for a week leaving him time to "work." Oh - and until we get the energy bill - then I think we might go back to a pumpless pond.



This is my son - in our green grass. I love this picture. I love that boy. I love the fact that while all this month was happening a dirt slide on the side of our house became a lawn. Who says miracles don't happen anymore?