My Grandma Gerri died tonight. My kids' “Grandma Beads.” The elderly woman who my mother fought with and loved the same way that I fight with and love her. The woman whose ever-painted-hard-as-nails-finger nailed- scaly-garden-worn hands held mine and shook mine with such tenderness and confidence over the years, has passed from our lives. She passed on peacefully from a long life of circumstances that at times seemed to want nothing more than to steal that peace.
I am sure, in the coming days and months I will miss her. But tonight I do not. Tonight I have this strange feeling that she, and all of my grandparents, are with me in a way that I have not previously acknowledged.
I watch the way my husband and I “clean out the garage” - keeping every last thing that might one day be useful – just the way our grandmothers would want us to. I think of my cousins and my kids this week, busy-lived lives: buying cars, playing xylophones, having turtle races, hiving bees, taking finals, caring for children and gardens, and balancing their check books ever so meticulously – just the way our grandparents would want it - in a million littles ways we never see.
All the while, both my grandmothers undergo the quite end-of-life struggles that I will not understand until they become my own. Grandparents go before us. And the idea seems too obvious to state. And yet somehow, I fail to acknowledge that they lead the way, and choose the path we follow, long before we know the path exists. The education, the work ethic, the faith and family – so engrained within us, that even our departures from these ways mark us deeply. They form us. Those things they overcome become standards of our own abilities and strengths. The narrative of their life, sets itself as a marker of the possible in our own.
And what we give in return is so small. Moments of joy and pride, hugs and kisses, and acknowledgment of the sacrifice to bring our family to where it is today. Maybe – on a good day. Often, even these small tokens fall neglected. Today I watch as my children's grandparents form them: giving, giving, pouring into them - time and resources – but so much more – an example of a life LIVED. My children are blessed with 4 incredible grandparents. They are receiving this legacy and this gift from those that went before them – varied as the stories may be, the gift is the same. Their stories can never be taken away. They go before us and seep within us. Telling us that THIS is LIFE.
I do not miss Grandma yet tonight, because I see her life all around me
Within me. Within our family.
Thank you Jesus for my Grandma Gerri and all of the wisdom I gained from her life... let me carry her well.
Amen.
